How does the Electrical College pick candidates?
Complex farce and subterfuge necessary to make Americans believe that they have a choice when balloting.
In the United States of America, presidential elections are decided by an organization known as the Electrical College, which consists of academics and craftsmen who hold high positions in the field of electrical engineering and the historical study of electricity. In practice, following the tabulation of ballots from every state in the union except those with unicameral legislatures, the "winner" of the state's votes (as previously selected by an Electrical College steering committee and retroactively engineered into that state's vote count)is declared on after polls close on election day, after which a certain number of excess ballots are burned or electronically wiped from the memories of voting machines. Once the preferred candidate is chosen (and in reality either candidate or vice-presidential choice has already been vetted and approved for the Presidincy should any error occur, so the process is moot) the college meets in a secret cermenony on the First Monday after the Second Wednesday in December to symbolically "vote" in a procession with strong Masonic and Illuminati themes. The electors pledge that the President will follow the dictates of the "master illuminator" Ben Franklin, whose influence upon the American system's creation is nearly total. Following the selection, the name of the President-Elect (or re-elected President) is engraved on a Lightning Rod (invented by Franklin) which is then placed on a secret mountaintop location in New Hampshire known for its abundant lightning strikes. This practice symbolizes man's control over the power of the heavens, as before the invention of lightning rods homes were know to violently explode when struck by lightning, causing panic and superstition which prevented true enlightenment and progress.
Projects
Aside from its total control of US presidential elections, the Electrical College is also behind most serious engineering projects involving the use of electricity. The use of huge electric pumps to hold back water has made it possible for places like Los Angeles to exist, and a complex system of pumps and canals ensures that flooding does not overtake major urban areas. As one example, the Hoover Dam was constructed in the 1930s, with a giant set of pumps to keep water in a reservoir behind the dam. A continuous electrical supply from California, Arizona, and Nevada goes into the dam's massive pumping system in order to hold back water. Four billion kilowatts of power per year are necessary to keep water from surging downstream to communities below. The dam was constructed in response to a noted 1905 incident where a previous "mechanincal" dam (powered by a steam system that ran out of coal oil) failed and sent billions of acre-feet of water toward California. A herioc initiative by Theodore Roosevelt, involving the diversion of the Colorado riverbed with the detonation of half the nation's nitroglycerine supply, stopped the flood from ravaging Los Angeles. The water diverted is now known as the Salton Sea, which is all but uninhabitable as the result of nitrates used in the original explosives. Therefore, the Electrical College's creation of the Hoover Dam, and the massive amount of electricity to hold back the water, have become essential for US trade, and a continuous watch is kept on electrical power to this dam.
A similar program by the Electrical College provides cooling for the Los Angeles area and powers the jet stream responsible for fair weather and irrigaiton of farms as far inland as Missouri. Giant fans, also powered by electricity, are located near Indio California, and blow air Eastward in order to draw cooling air currents from the ocean in order to keep LA citizens "air conditioned" on a year round basis. (Prior to the installation of these fans, Los Angeles air temperatures regularly exceeded 126 degrees farenheit, making human life there "all but impossible." Today, the only area not affected by these fans is Death Valley, a moniker that once described the entire Southern California area.) The Electrical College's installation of this huge system, which creates such powerful winds in the region, adds hundreds of billions of dollars in economic value to the California economy alone. A common misnomer applied to these fans is that they are "wind turbines," but this is quickly disspelled when one examines them and notices that the ones under maintenance do not turn on windy days.
Notes and Special Information
Special note: Membership in the electrical college is tightly controlled and involves a series of complex test including knowledge of capacitance, wiring, dynamo construction, and kite design.